The Ups and Downs Go Up and Down

Last Friday night was our first night leaving Noelle with someone other than family. My darling friend Ashley, whose son, is a couple months older than Noelle, generously offered to take care of Noelle while my husband and I went out on a date. It was hard to leave knowing that she may miss us or feel abandoned by the familiar. But, I trust Ashley and Noelle's independence has certainly blossomed before our very eyes. While I wouldn't quite leave her with anyone for a whole day, a couple of hours seemed more than reasonable and she did great without us. Hardly noticed we were gone, really. 

Jeremy and I went to Calypso Cafe in East Nashville and I got some awesome recipe ideas. Yesterday I hit up ALDI, this grocery store I've been hearing a lot about. It was amazing. The prices were SO good. Since I don't buy packaged food, the minimal ingredients items were priced even better. I spent $189 total for a months worth of food. This, to me, is epic. Yesterday I made some awesome chili with sour cream and tortilla chips. I also made some enchiladas and today my husband is making spinach cakes (baby approved) and a bean salad for my snacking. I think I'll make a tuna noodle casserole for the week as well. Lots of cooking up in here. I'm pretty sure its the cold weather that gets me pumped for food. Wait no, I just freakin love food.

We finally took Noelle to a pumpkin patch on Friday. We found a great one in Franklin that's 100% non-profit and all of the money goes straight to the family's of children with cancer for their medical bills. She had an excellent time and found a pumpkin that she absolutely insist on.

I'd really like to take her to an apple orchard soon since we just had the season's first cold snap. The apples should be ripe and ready for my tart recipes.

I would like to report that things are just jolly around here but there are a lot of troubles and it's been difficult to be optimistic. I'm trying my hardest to stay focused on the good thing: my daughter and husband's health, our opportunity to buy a beautiful house, being lucky enough to have a wonderful husband with a job that absolutely adores me. I suppose all of this is the truth and fall is as good a time to give thanks than any. It's funny that something like worrying does absolutely no good yet it seems to be such a big part of our daily thoughts.

I'll just leave it at what I am grateful for and keep my eyes on the prize. How is fall treating you so far?

Fall Lusting- This is SO My Season

a. Rocket Dog Combat Boots

b. Paper Moon Fox Sweater

c. Asos Asymmetric Triangle Drop Earrings

d. NICA Satchel Alicia

e. Navy Three Quarter Sleeve

f. Hand Knitted Cotton Slippers for Baby

So, being the kind of mama that wants to buy a house next year on a single income. A lot of these things are somewhat out of reach right now (but not all- I'm looking at you NICA bag). I put together these lists more for inspiration. When I take my weekly trip to the thrift store- I can go with lots of inspiration stored up in my brain and be on the lookout for great items. Sure, it may not be the exact ones, but thats ok! Sometimes I find even better than the original. Its a bit harder when I'm a much bigger size than most manufacturers make clothes for, but that won't stop me. I absolutely love this punk rock style with forresty hints and nautical themes. To me, there is nothing like a soft, comfy striped tee. What's inspiring your wardrobe this fall?

Pre-Retrograde Shenanigans

Ode to the five days before a shit-storm of lost communication. Mercury's retrograde begins October 21 and stays haunting our lives until November 10. I know, I know... it's important. This period of time stops us dead in our tracks and forces us to reflect on what we know to be true. Is it true? Or it just a habit of thinking? When we take a look at our beliefs we're able to change them and flexibility is super important in this life. It's a super humbling time and some say that if you don't fight it, you morph for the better. It still sucks while the pot is stirring though.

The extended period of Mercury going over this point will give us a long drawn out lesson in how to balance our use of cyber technologies with our connection with the earth. Of course Mercury retrograde does make communications vulnerable to break down anyway. We may well be forced into going without our beloved internet, mobile or computer forcing us to do things the old fashioned way. This is more likely to happen if we have been so reliant on our electric friends that real life friendships have suffered. 

- Dark Star Astrology 

There's a pre-retrograde storm happening at my house right now. While I thought that my husband's new employer covered our monthly premium, turns out they're only covering a percentage (which is totally fair) and that leaves us out $400 a month. $400 is significant when you're trying to pay off all of your debt, finally build some savings & buy a house in January of 2015. A retrograde could not come at a better time though, lesson wise.

Jeremy and I have been feeling very disconnected since the baby was born (which is pretty standard) & we're running out of ideas. We've been snappy, he's felt like I hate touching him and it's because I do! We've only had one date night since she was born and it was pretty uneventful. After she falls asleep at night, I do laundry, dishes and get on my computer to research. Then I take a hot bubble bath, get in my pj's and fall asleep. Not a terrible way to end the day, but it definitely doesn't include him. The truth is that I am "touched out" by the time he gets home from work. With babywearing, playing on the floor together, hugging, me changing her diaper etc. I am touched all day and the mental energy is drained from me. The last thing I want while she's asleep is more touching. What better time to pause the Roku, shut off the macbook and spend time together? Even if it's just talking. Getting re-connected is a must for us right now. And to be completely honest, I miss him. I miss it being just us sometimes. 

Something just isn't connecting. Like there are neurons that aren't fusing at the time when I need them most. I feel scatterbrained (I locked my keys in the car last Wednesday), unorganized and totally behind on so many things. It's so like me to forget my accomplishments and just focus on what I haven't done. 

It's hilarious- its 10:30 at night and I am still sitting here trying to get my damn internet to work. Typical. I get the message: slow it down. But i'm completely ignoring it and doing what comes natural instead of what I know will benefit me.... what's your pre-retrograde shift looking like this round?

Nags Head North Carolina Beach Vacation

For the last three years my Aunt Mary (from Sacramento CA) plans a vacation for the family in a beach house in North Carolina. This year, since we were somewhat local we decided to drive east to meet them there for a couple of days. 

We had an excellent time. We visited the North Carolina Aquarium (the photo above is my Dad wearing Noelle) and saw turtles, otters, fish, sharks and bat rays. Noelle absolutely loved the tanks full of fish and got really into the touch tank.

Noelle did incredibly well traveling so far (24 hours total drive). She played, talked and we set up Sesame Street on my smart phone and attached it to the seat in front of her. I absolutely love my little family. 

 On Saturday, during her second nap, we went out to the beach and swam around in the surf for a bit. Jeremy threw me into the ocean and I tripped him into a wave because that's what our love is. Then we drank wine in the jacuzzi for a bit. It was really relaxing.

Most of Friday we spent on the pier. We don't fish but it was interesting to see how many people got into it. Noelle felt the sand for the first time and loved it. 

 I played pool with my cousins and we shared a beer. Noelle loved the family. She was intrigued by all of the people picking her up. She did great napping twice a day and slept wonderfully at night.

 It was pretty overcast the whole weekend but it didn't ruin anything. The atlantic ocean is warm and we walked on the beach several times a day to breathe in the sea air. The only thing I miss about California is the ocean air.

 The house is gigantic. 9 bedrooms and four bathrooms. With a large living room, deck, jacuzzi, kitchen and pool. There was plenty of space for cooking, lounging, reading, eating and whatever we wanted to do. Next year we'll be going for the whole week.

 It was a very relazing mini-vacation and now we're back to real life. So many new things to come.

Noelle Update, Big News and a Short Vacation

So, there are some crazy things going on right now in our little family. First off, Noelle is 9 months old now (as of Oct 5). She is such a rad little baby, I am so impressed by her gentle kindness and fiery personality. She really is gaining quite the personality. She has three teeth now (one is still coming in on the top gums). She is eating all kinds of foods: bell peppers, apples, freeze dried fruits, pulled chicken, asparagus, pita chips, hummus, muffins and more. She grabs for everything and can easily pick up very small things with her thumb and pointer finger. She has been crawling now since 5.5 mos. and is very fast and determined. She approaches every thing with a cautious, gentle curiosity. She is sleeping well in her own crib and waking up an average of 2-3 times for feedings. She is absolutely mesmerized by our pets.

Yesterday, without paying attention, she turned to see the cat next to her and she said "kee", which is first time she's used k sounds. Whenever we see the cat, Jeremy and I say "kee-kee" for kitty. She is clapping now and can do but gets bored fast with peek-a-boo. She lives for disorder. When she sees anything put away neatly she has to mess with it. She does great in carseat as long as she's fed and she gets up at least once every two hours (which is fair). She loves to be held and wants Jeremy to spend every second with her. She loves being carried in wraps and the mei tai, she's protesting the ring sling pretty often right now. She can get down off of the bed feet first, stand if she's leaning and loves to push her activity table across the room mimicking walking. She laughs a lot now and gets very excited hopping up and down. Noelle does wonderful with other babies- she is used to be around them and is especially enamored with my friend's two year old girl.

We cannot believe it's already been nine months! So, in the last year or so we've been working hard at establishing ourselves as adults. We've made a lot of bad financial decisions since before we got together and it's taken some time to un-do a lot of these mistakes. We're still picking up the pieces. As of now our savings account is growing, our credit is slowly improving and we have to move in January (our landlords want to sell where we are now). We've decided we would like to stay in Nashville for a while- we've made great friends here, found great food and its started to feel like home.

So, instead of renting again we're looking into buying a house. We never thought we'd consider this in a million years but there's something amazing about the thought of stability right now. We'd only buy if we could find something very reasonably priced, that needs some work (so we don't have to pay for it in the sellers price), in our ideal location (east nashville). We stubled accross this in a wonderful 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom 1936 craftsman off of Gallatin Pike. So, we're pursuing it. I'm learning about lending, mortgage rates, inspections, contracts & negotiations. Honestly, no matter what happens its opening my eyes to a whole new world that I used to just avoid understanding because I thought it was too complicated. Then there's the fun side of stuff. Pinterest has got my curiousity all in a tizzy- with laying down black and white checker vinyl floors, putting up peg board on a wall in the kitchen, painting a wall with chalkboard paint in what would be Noelle's playroom/nursery. There's so much to customize and while we wouldn't be able to really get things going (design-wise) until we had it saved up, its so fun to collect ideas.

So tomorrow until Sunday is really exciting for us. It's national babywearing week (yay) so International Babywearers of Middle Tennesse is doing a photoshoot with mamas carrying their babies! The backdrop is the Nashville skyline (fun!). I'm actually going to put on makeup for this. I'm going to wear her in a front carry in my Didy woven. Then on Thursday morning we leave for North Carolina, where my family rents a beach house every year! Its a gigantic house with 7 rooms and all of the comforts of home. I am going to sun myself, hangout on the beach, make some yummy food & drink plenty of wine (hopefully). I cannot wait to see my Dad especially, whom I have not seen since March. So many pictures to come...

So yes, lots is happening. Jeremy is loving his job and it feels to finally decide to stay in Nashville for a while. There was a lot up in the air there for a while and it would take a serious salary offering and relocating package to get us to move again. xo.

Natural Solutions for PCOS

I have PCOS. Let me go ahead and run down what that means. PCOS means poly cystic ovarian syndrome & how do you know you have PCOS?

• You have cysts on your ovaries. (check) 
• It affects the menstrual cycle. (check) 
• It can cause infertility. (check, check) 
• It produces androgen hormones, and testosterone. (I actually have normal testosterone levels)

Symptoms: 

• Excessive hair growth - and NOT on your head! I am talking hands, fingers, toes, chest, rear end, chin, upper lip, MIDDLE OF YOUR NECK (yes, this totally applies to me). 
• Acne! I never struggled with this one thankfully. Because puberty wasn't hard enough. 
• Excessive weight gain. I'm not talking freshman 10 or 15 here, guys. I am talking I have gained 50ish pounds regardless of activity! I joined a local roller derby team and skated hard for over a year and stopped losing weight at the 220 mark. The excessive weight gain is due to the hormonal imbalance messing with the insulin resistance in your body. 
• Skin tags. And not the artful tagging that you see on streets and sides of buildings. These tags just look like little tiny flesh colored moles... or warts. 
• Finally - DEPRESSION. Could it be all the extra hair, fat, pimples, and little skin hangies?! Perhaps.

The two bonuses, or silver linings in our fat, hairy, pimply clouds are:

• Most of us don't get more than 9 (I get 4) menstrual cycles per year! I save a lot of money on feminine hygiene products... and a lot of time that could be spent doing other things! 
• Increased testosterone = increased libido.

The excessive hair growth. I'll put it out there! I grow hair everywhere! My chin, toes, arms, legs, butt chest. Seriously, everywhere. And it comes in thick and dark. I have to shave daily and wax weekly to keep it under control. Its exhausting, I'm not gonna lie. And sometimes I just let it go for a break. I dont leave the house for days so that I don't have to be embarrassed I used to wake up at 5am when I would spend the night at a boyfriend's house to clean up this mess that grows back overnight. My husband knew within a week of dating and told me he didn't care and luckily he still doesn't cos it isn't going anywhere.

The infertility. I never wanted to have children. I haven't since I was very young. That never changed up until the day I had my daughter. I had a lot of sex as a teenager. Like, a lot. It was the oppressive catholic upbringing I guess. Like 70% of this sex was unprotected. Yet, no pregnancies. Also, no STD's! Go me! I lucked out. I am a huge advocate for having sex and doing it smart. I believe birth control should be available to anyone who wants to have sex. Also condoms. Anyways, that's a different story. My baby was a miracle. I was on birth control, we were using condoms, I have PCOS and I had a faulty lap band inside of me at the time. I hadn't ovulated in months and I was pregnant! I lucked out. A lot of women with PCOS cant get pregnant. Anyways, she's here and I love her so hard. I think if my husband and I actually tried for a baby it would be hard, I would probably miscarry & yeah, the stress is freaking me out just thinking about it.

The weight gain: When I was around 11, I started rapidly gaining weight. This was a combination of many things: severe depression, lack of supervision, lack of education & I would later find out, PCOS. I was 5'6 by the time I hit 6th grade (super tall) & 180lbs. My parent tried to put me on all kinds of diets and friends and family were constantly sharing their concern for my weight. I tell you, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Depression and I have been good friends for a very long time. Paired with an alcoholic father, controlling mother, being fat, tall and hairy. Yeah, not many days went by without a crying my eyes out at my life. Wow, this sounds really depressing. Honestly though, I'm not telling you any of this so that you'll feel sorry for me. I got a lot of things figured out and while its not perfect, my life is great now! I'm telling you this just in case you think you're alone. You're not! If you think you might be a candidate for PCOS testing- go do it! Ask your health care person about it. Hopefully they'll want to look into it.

Is there a cure? Kinda. Its more like a change of pace. Metformin is a prescription that lot of cysters (get it?) use in order to control symptoms and get pregnant. Like all prescription drugs, it comes with a long list of common side effects including abdominal or stomach discomfort, cough or hoarseness, decreased appetite, diarrhea, fast or shallow breathing (wtf), fever or chills, general feeling of discomfort, lower back or side pain, muscle pain or cramping, painful or difficult urination & sleepiness. Also, a lot women find that taking this drug without first altering their lifestyle (eating and activity) just plain doesn't do anything (which is ideal compared to those side effects).

The real culprits: processed food, simple carbohydrates and sugar. Here is some science: insulin is the hormone produced in the pancreas that allows cells to use sugar (glucose) — your body's primary energy supply. If you have insulin resistance, your ability to use insulin effectively is impaired, and your pancreas has to secrete more insulin to make glucose available to cells. The excess insulin might boost androgen production by your ovaries. This causes sugar cravings like crazy, sugar causes bread cravings (simple carbohydrates) and then bread causes more sugar cravings. The very best solution is to remove sugar and simple carbs from your diet as much as possible. Combined with activity (walking 20 minutes a day)- your body can regulate itself much easier since both of these things massively normalize insulin levels. Eating well and exercising will benefit everyone but for women with PCOS it's vital. 

A lot of people have had luck with The South Beach diet (removes a lot of crap from your live and re-sets your cravings) and some have done great cutting it out cold turkey until they feel confident they can introduce these things back into their lives without going overboard. But please, don't feel guilty that you want these things so strongly. If you have PCOS, it IS harder. But not impossible.

Many people have also found great success with using essential oils to help with hormone imbalance and it's symptoms. Always remember that essential oils are legit and should be used with caution and guidance. Do not underestimate them and consult experts before application.

I continue to learn more and more about this syndrome and my symptoms all of the time. There aren't really any cures but some really awesome options and always remember, you're not alone.

Moms Need Eachother

I can admit it. I am independent to a fault. I am independent to the point of needing to be dependent because I didn't know how to ask for help when I had a handle on things. My very first words as a baby were "self", because I wanted to do every thing myself. So of course, when I transitioned into motherhood and my entire identity died a slow death (and it does, trust me), I had decided I'd get through it myself. I should've known this was wrong with during the birth (at home, in a tub) I needed my husband with me or I'd never get through it. But no, of course I was going to do every thing perfectly and all by myself.

When we first moved to Tennessee, when I was around 20 weeks pregnant, I didn't know a soul. I was lucky that my best friend and her husband had family here and stayed for a week only two weeks after we'd moved. But when they left the loneliness sunk in along with the intense heart burn, vomiting, stress and misery that goes along with a pregnant women with a slipped lap band (more on that here) and PCOS. I had no idea either of these things were affecting me. So, to ease the pain, I headed to the local yarn shop to knit my days away and talk to other women. I went to lunch with two middle aged southern women I had nothing in common with just to have some company other than my husband.

As luck would have it, I was soon introduced to the Bradley Method and my husband and I would start classes in October for 8 weeks and meet other expecting couples. It was really nice to talk to other women (and men) that were interested in natural delivery like us. 6 of the women in that class are still excellent friends that I constantly keep in touch with. Which is strange for me because for a long time, friends have been expendable.

Let me clear that up. I am not a monster (I don't think), I just don't have "friends forever". I feel as though, like guys I dated, friends come and go. I am afraid of attachment and being afraid to lose the ones I grow attached to. A huge reason I never wanted to have children was because of the idea of loving anyone that much would mean to lose them would be unbearable. I've worked hard for years to protect myself from this kind of love and loss. Falling in love with my husband is still something that I struggle with and sometimes I find myself working very hard to push him away so that if I lost him, I'd be able to move on (sick, I know).

I made friends with my midwife. She became a good friend. We talked about things that fascinate me and after I had Noelle, it was very sad that I'd hardly see her again. So, like I always have, I figured these people would come in and out of my life and I never really bared my soul. Then I had a baby. Noelle Snow came into the world at 3:39pm on a Saturday and I was a mother. After 19 hours of labor I had her, tried to get up out of the pool and fainted. My entire body went limp and I blacked out and woke up 90 seconds later on the floor of our back room. I needed people to pick up my 250 lb, naked body from the side of a pool and put me on the floor. I was spent, done, finished and I needed someone else to carry me. It was a very humbling experience.

Then there was the Bambino Brigade. I can't remember who it was exactly but someone commented on my wordpress blog about this little group in Nashville called the Bambino Brigade. Around that same time I'd been introduced to Micky Jones of 9 Months and Beyond who was helping me with my milk production problem. People were reaching out! A friend who was a former Bradley student brought me food a day after I gave birth. People called me, emailed and facebook messaged me. I found the BB (Bambino Brigade) facebook page and there it went! These moms were into cloth diapering, amber teething necklaces, holistic healing, babywearing (there's an actual nashville babywearers chapter), not/light vaccinating and meeting up! Moms were meeting up. Why, I thought? and how? Babies are so hard to go anywhere with, if she starts crying, they're going to hate me (yes, I really thought this).

Then the breastfeeding stopped (for me). I went through intense depression and self-hatred that I still struggle with because I could not produce milk for my baby. They swept in and offered me over 3,500 oz. of milk (total). I asked and they gave and that was it. My baby was fed donated breast milk for the first 6 months of her life because these women cared enough to pump, store it and even bring it to me, all while they were breastfeeding their babies. I do not take any of this for granted- it's a gift. One that I have no idea how to repay.

Around three months or so I finally got up the courage to start attending coffee meetups and met some of the most wonderful, caring, like-minded mothers. I started to realize something: I needed them. I needed these connections! They were getting me through those hard first months were I was completely losing the old me and becoming the new me. A transition that is still taking place. A happy transition that is so incredibly sad.

Throughout time, women have had other women. Tribes feed each others babies at the breast. Feudal Europe had a group of ladies in waiting that were there to help and get you through even while they were getting through motherhood. There's a connection that is primal for other women who know what you're going through. Sometime throughout history, we lost that. I think it's developed into something better in a sense that we aren't necessarily exposed if we don't want to be and the husband's involvement has stepped up considerably even within the last decade. But for a long time we lost that connection with each other and expected ourselves to suck it up and do it alone. The result? A rise in postpartum depression, suicides, murders and the other things that happen when we feel completely alone in a brand new universe.

The old me is slowly fading away. I mourn my childhood but not alone. And because of that I know I'll get through and even enjoy the hard, awkward, wonderful transition into motherhood my way. Mommy wars are ending and the peaceful acceptance is making us the best moms we can be. There's no room for perfection in this community- only understanding and empathy. We need each other and our connection. And I've learned that this is nothing to be afraid of. I just know that this type of community will positively affect our growing children who see us reach out and become better people for it.